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Written by Connally Gilliam

This article is courtesy of Christian Single.

I got the call to write this article one day before heading south for yet another family wedding, for yet another younger cousin, as yet again the oldest single relative. It was no small irony as such a scenario would inevitably cause questions about “contentment” to rush headlong toward me, a cattle stampede I hoped I could withstand. This would be no theoretical writing exercise. Actually, knowing this wedding trip might be tough, I sent out a 911 to my friends: “Pray for me. I don’t know if my weak little heart can take another weekend of endless questions (mine and others’, spoken and not) about my marital status.”

Two days later, I found myself alone in a hotel room, trying to zip up (with my right wrist in a splint from a tennis injury) my very vogue – if a tiny bit too tight – rehearsal dinner dress. Looking at myself struggling in the mirror, I pictured a one-handed butcher trying to pack sausage into casing. I half laughed and half cried, throwing my hands up in defeat. Exhaling upward at the stuccoed ceiling, I implored, “God, You’re going to have to teach me what contentment looks like because I am definitely not feeling it.”

No lightning bolt of insight flashed from the ceiling, but since then, I have been asking: What does contentment look like, particularly for single adults who’d prefer to be married? I have talked to women and men in their 20s to 40s, and I have discovered that, well, no one quite knows the answer.

One Bible dictionary defines contentment as “a state of mind in which one’s desires are confined to his lot whatever it may be.” But that definition struck me as profoundly inadequate. If I am caught in the throes of a civil war, can I not be content while still desiring and laboring for peace? If I am single in a culture confused about relationships, can I not be content while still desiring and working toward marriage?

No, contentment must be something that neither denies unmet desires nor passively – or angrily – acquiesces to circumstances. In the Scriptures and in those who smell content (can’t you smell discontent a mile away?), contentment looks like something else. It is a peace about the present, even with a concurrent longing and labor for a different future.

Contentment in Living Color
The Apostle Paul is a great example of contentment fleshed-out. Paul was a man with a God-given desire to see the gospel advance into a new territory. When he began encountering resistance to this vision – as in unjust accusations from those who wanted to stop him – he didn’t capitulate saying, “Oh well, this is my new lot. Whatever.” Nor did he grow cynical and bitter (“God, You gave me this desire and for what? Forget You!”). Rather, he did what was in his power to do. He appealed to Caesar. (See Acts 24-25.)

Unfortunately, Paul’s best efforts were not enough; his power got him to Rome, but it couldn’t get him out of house arrest. Still, he held onto his God-given desire to personally take the gospel west. Imprisoned, he still believed that he would carry the good news of Jesus to Spain. But he was wrong; he never made it. Strangely enough, though, when he died, he died as a man content, or, as the Greek emphasizes, “satisfied.”

I don’t know what occurred in Paul’s internal world to make contentment possible, but I do know what his contentment looked like: He found rest in the goodness of God even in the context of a legitimate but unmet desire. Somehow, the strength of Christ did something in his guts that enabled him to keep engaging, not with his teeth clenched but with his eyes opened to discover God’s presence and purposes in his current circumstances. Stuck under house arrest, he loved his jailors, his visitors, and his letter-writing. And here’s the ironic post-script: God actually did honor the essence of Paul’s desire. Though the means were not Paul’s ideal, the gospel did move westward after all. Crazy, eh?

Holding Onto Hope
Reflecting on Paul, a quiet “ah ha” has been emerging in me (maybe it’s an answer to the prayer I sighed at the stucco). Perhaps the way of contentment for a single person looks like discerning our God-given desires (do we desire God’s good gift of marriage?), exercising our power to realize those desires (letting friends set us up, e-dating, praying), owning those desires even when circumstances push us back (suffering a match, bomb or yet another dateless night), and then resting in this reality: There is a good God who beckons us to discover His presence and purposes today, even in the face of unmet desire. Paul did this, and he died a content man. That gives me hope.

But so does this: Remember those friends I contacted about my impending wedding weekend? Well, during the nuptial festivities, multiple friends e-mailed or called, singing songs on my voice mail, letting me know they were thinking about me and praying for me. And you know what? Their encouragement kept me smiling throughout the weekend. By Sunday afternoon, having fielded many messages, I recognized in a profound, new way, I really have a loving community.

It’s another funny little irony, eh? I’ve spent years faithfully scanning the horizon for “Mr. Right,” doing my part to obtain the intimate connection that marriage promises. But by all appearances, I’ve failed – I’m still single. Nevertheless, through means I’d never imagined, God has been honoring an essential part of my desire for true connection. He has taken my imperfect embrace of the relationships that have been available to me, and He has built deep community around me.

So, though my unmet desire for marriage can sometimes leave me feeling like the one-handed butcher (or even the sausage), I’m discovering that contentment is possible because God’s trustworthiness is as real in the 21st century as it was in the first. And though I lack a crystal ball, I suspect that as we risk locking onto His presence and purposes today, we just might discover tomorrow that the essence of our God-given desires has been met.


Connally Gilliam is the author of “Revelations of a Single Woman.” While she spends a lot of her time traveling and speaking on singleness, three of her great loves include tennis, coffee with friends, and art projects.