Jump to content

IPB Style© Fisana
 

Photo

How to deal with wayward adult children


  • Please log in to reply
26 replies to this topic

#1 Neverending

Neverending

    Full Newbie

  • Members
  • 41 posts
  • Location:Sandy,UT
  • Interests:Reading, music, gardening, taking care of my dog Freckles and feeding my blue jays.
  • Gender:Female

Posted 29 January 2010 - 11:18 PM

I have two grown children both in their 30's. In the past two years we have lost touch with those children and we don't fully understand why. Our son, we don't even know where he lives and we have his oldest daughter, our grand daughter living with us. We had to go after custody of her when we found out our son turned her over to the county back in Ohio and into Foster Care. Our hearts were broken when we heard this news and of course we had to do something for we were not about to let our grand daughter live with strangers, she had suffered enough at the hands of her step-mother and her dad. Now that our daughter has turned her back on us, it is to much to bear. We raised our children in a Christian home. We attended church and taught our children to love the Lord, to be honest and to be respectful towards others and both of them we thought had accepted Christ. Our son even asked to be baptized and loved reading his scriptures.
What went wrong? Now my husband faces more health issues since being told he has congestive heart failure. I've had to keep my feelings to myself for whenever I am feeling down about our children and want to talk about them, it upsets my husband and he doesn't need the stress. I go to a quiet spot in the house and cry alone where he can't hear me. Night after night, I pray to God that my children will wake up and realize that they need us, especially with their dad's health. I am at a loss as to what to do anymore. I used to call my son's cell phone and leave messages telling him we loved him and missed him but nothing. I've done the same with my daughter and I can email her but still, nothing. I've asked her if there's anything I've done to upset her that I am sorry and please forgive me but it falls on deaf ears.
Thanks for reading my message. Thanks Deb for your prayers for they mean a lot.
  • 0

#2 Debp

Debp

    Furry & Feathered Friend Lover

  • Moderators
  • 16,483 posts
  • Location:California
  • Interests:Nature, animals (have 2 cats), gardens, walking, sightseeing, architecture.
  • Gender:Female

Posted 29 January 2010 - 11:31 PM

I have two grown children both in their 30's. In the past two years we have lost touch with those children and we don't fully understand why. Our son, we don't even know where he lives and we have his oldest daughter, our grand daughter living with us. We had to go after custody of her when we found out our son turned her over to the county back in Ohio and into Foster Care. Our hearts were broken when we heard this news and of course we had to do something for we were not about to let our grand daughter live with strangers, she had suffered enough at the hands of her step-mother and her dad. Now that our daughter has turned her back on us, it is to much to bear. We raised our children in a Christian home. We attended church and taught our children to love the Lord, to be honest and to be respectful towards others and both of them we thought had accepted Christ. Our son even asked to be baptized and loved reading his scriptures.
What went wrong? Now my husband faces more health issues since being told he has congestive heart failure. I've had to keep my feelings to myself for whenever I am feeling down about our children and want to talk about them, it upsets my husband and he doesn't need the stress. I go to a quiet spot in the house and cry alone where he can't hear me. Night after night, I pray to God that my children will wake up and realize that they need us, especially with their dad's health. I am at a loss as to what to do anymore. I used to call my son's cell phone and leave messages telling him we loved him and missed him but nothing. I've done the same with my daughter and I can email her but still, nothing. I've asked her if there's anything I've done to upset her that I am sorry and please forgive me but it falls on deaf ears.
Thanks for reading my message. Thanks Deb for your prayers for they mean a lot.


First, Neverending, enjoyed our chat in the Chat Room just now!

About your children, I'm so sorry....sometimes children that were raised "right" end up doing things like this....you and I surely can't understand how they could turn out that way....I guess only God knows what is happening with them.

It's best to just pray for them....especially when you are hurting. Know that the Lord does have them in His hands and hopefully they will return to Him and get in contact with you again. Will have you all on my heart for prayer.....Lord, bring these children back to You and to their mother and dad.
  • 0

#3 canuck

canuck

    Silver Member

  • Members
  • 222 posts
  • Location:Canada
  • Interests:Helping others come to Christ or grow in Christ,sci-fi,cooking,poetry,gardening,genealogy,nutrition.surfing the web
  • Gender:Male

Posted 30 January 2010 - 07:19 AM

Will pray.I can relate--2 sons with similar story :(( re Christian involvement--there is none now.Like the Father in the story of the Prodigal son I pray and wait.As parents we want the best for our children.Sometimes there are closed minds and hearts.We can not force change in adult children but our prayers are never in vain :cross: .The prayer of a righteous man--or woman has impact--James 5:16--Pastor Terry :priest:
  • 0

#4 Neverending

Neverending

    Full Newbie

  • Members
  • 41 posts
  • Location:Sandy,UT
  • Interests:Reading, music, gardening, taking care of my dog Freckles and feeding my blue jays.
  • Gender:Female

Posted 31 January 2010 - 12:32 PM

Will pray.I can relate--2 sons with similar story :(( re Christian involvement--there is none now.Like the Father in the story of the Prodigal son I pray and wait.As parents we want the best for our children.Sometimes there are closed minds and hearts.We can not force change in adult children but our prayers are never in vain :cross: .The prayer of a righteous man--or woman has impact--James 5:16--Pastor Terry :priest:


Pastor Terry,
Thank you for sharing your advice and Debp's as well. I have struggled with my feelings for my children for so long. As I said, our son hasn't lived at home since 1991 at which time he married, joined the military and was gone. On occasion, he'd come home for short visits until he had an affair and sent his first wife and our grand daughter packing with the idea that they were coming home for a vist. It was not even a week after he had done this, that he moved his new love interest into his place. I and his dad were furious with him for abandoning his family but all he cared about was himself. Not unlike his sister, our daughter who married into money and thinks she is better than we are for we can't give her the world. Even if we were wealthy, we wouldn't give her everything for that only ruins a child. We gave our children what we could, sometimes going without ourselves. It hurts, big time and I've cried more over my children than I care to say. I am working hard on putting them out of my mind for it only causes anxiety but how can a mother totally forget her children?

I continue to pray for them everyday but I feel that Satan has them in his power keeping their minds closed to anything the Holy Spirit might be trying to reveal to them. It will take a true miracle to bring them back for they love the way of the world and all the material things. Thanks again. We can only hope someday they will want to be our children and how we await the day. It is so like the story of the Prodigal Son, as I know myself and my husband would welcome them with open arms.
  • 0

#5 lilacday

lilacday

    Umm....

  • Moderators
  • 2,150 posts
  • Location:UK
  • Gender:Female

Posted 31 January 2010 - 05:46 PM

Thanks for sharing your story with us Neverending.

Sometimes it is hard to remember that our children are sent to us but dont really belong to us, that they are the Lords
i pray that you can come to the realisation that all you could do was your best, which you did and not blame yourselves for the way they chose for themselves.
  • 0

#6 Debp

Debp

    Furry & Feathered Friend Lover

  • Moderators
  • 16,483 posts
  • Location:California
  • Interests:Nature, animals (have 2 cats), gardens, walking, sightseeing, architecture.
  • Gender:Female

Posted 31 January 2010 - 07:11 PM

Thanks for sharing your story with us Neverending.

Sometimes it is hard to remember that our children are sent to us but dont really belong to us, that they are the Lords
i pray that you can come to the realisation that all you could do was your best, which you did and not blame yourselves for the way they chose for themselves.


That's wise counsel, Lilacday.

Neverending, you did your best. Just try to pray for them and leave them in the Lord's hands to draw them back to Himself. I pray you will start to feel better as you leave them to the Lord. You don't need to forget them but don't torture yourself over them. I pray you will start to heal inwardly from all of this.
  • 0

#7 Neverending

Neverending

    Full Newbie

  • Members
  • 41 posts
  • Location:Sandy,UT
  • Interests:Reading, music, gardening, taking care of my dog Freckles and feeding my blue jays.
  • Gender:Female

Posted 02 February 2010 - 11:29 AM

That's wise counsel, Lilacday.

Neverending, you did your best. Just try to pray for them and leave them in the Lord's hands to draw them back to Himself. I pray you will start to feel better as you leave them to the Lord. You don't need to forget them but don't torture yourself over them. I pray you will start to heal inwardly from all of this.


Deb and Lilac,
Thank you for your thoughts as I welcome them for I sure haven't done well so far. In my quest to even know how my daughter is doing as well as the grandchildren, I created a Facebook page. I tried to reach out to my daughter there with asking to be her friend only to have her block me. I must be a glutton for punishment but I keep trying. I only want to know if everyone is ok, is that to much to want? I am getting weary of repeating my same prayer over and over again. I could record it and play it back every night :) Course I know that the Lord would rather hear directly from me so I continue.
Has anyone ever thought what it must be like for the Lord to hear billions of prayers all day, everyday? What an awesome God we worship for it would have driven me crazy by now. And when I think of his perfection and we are his creations, how sad it must make him to see all the horrible things we human beings do to one another. I had only two children and look at it's affect on me. How much more must it be having billions of children misbehaving? Another attribute of our Lord, his patience. Thank you Father for waiting and waiting.
  • 0

#8 Debp

Debp

    Furry & Feathered Friend Lover

  • Moderators
  • 16,483 posts
  • Location:California
  • Interests:Nature, animals (have 2 cats), gardens, walking, sightseeing, architecture.
  • Gender:Female

Posted 02 February 2010 - 06:46 PM

Deb and Lilac,
Thank you for your thoughts as I welcome them for I sure haven't done well so far. In my quest to even know how my daughter is doing as well as the grandchildren, I created a Facebook page. I tried to reach out to my daughter there with asking to be her friend only to have her block me. I must be a glutton for punishment but I keep trying. I only want to know if everyone is ok, is that to much to want? I am getting weary of repeating my same prayer over and over again. I could record it and play it back every night :) Course I know that the Lord would rather hear directly from me so I continue.
Has anyone ever thought what it must be like for the Lord to hear billions of prayers all day, everyday? What an awesome God we worship for it would have driven me crazy by now. And when I think of his perfection and we are his creations, how sad it must make him to see all the horrible things we human beings do to one another. I had only two children and look at it's affect on me. How much more must it be having billions of children misbehaving? Another attribute of our Lord, his patience. Thank you Father for waiting and waiting.


Oh, bless you, Neverending. That's really hard about your daughter blocking you.....oh, so awful and hurtful. This just came to me. Remember the father of the Prodigal Son? The father was very concerned about his son, but he couldn't do anything about his son until the son was ready to come back to his father. Maybe since your daughter is hurting you so much in your efforts to connect with her, maybe you should let her be for awhile? Perhaps she enjoys doing this? Just pray that she and your grandchildren will be alright.

How old are your grandchildren? Maybe you can try to connect with them on Facebook? Were your grandchildren at an age (when contact was severed) that they can remember good times with you? Perhaps they are wanting to connect with you, too?

And, yes, you make some good points about our Lord...His ways are so much more than we can ever fathom.
  • 0

#9 Neverending

Neverending

    Full Newbie

  • Members
  • 41 posts
  • Location:Sandy,UT
  • Interests:Reading, music, gardening, taking care of my dog Freckles and feeding my blue jays.
  • Gender:Female

Posted 03 February 2010 - 06:15 PM

Oh, bless you, Neverending. That's really hard about your daughter blocking you.....oh, so awful and hurtful. This just came to me. Remember the father of the Prodigal Son? The father was very concerned about his son, but he couldn't do anything about his son until the son was ready to come back to his father. Maybe since your daughter is hurting you so much in your efforts to connect with her, maybe you should let her be for awhile? Perhaps she enjoys doing this? Just pray that she and your grandchildren will be alright.

How old are your grandchildren? Maybe you can try to connect with them on Facebook? Were your grandchildren at an age (when contact was severed) that they can remember good times with you? Perhaps they are wanting to connect with you, too?

And, yes, you make some good points about our Lord...His ways are so much more than we can ever fathom.


Deb:
I have 8 grandkids, the oldest will turn 19 this sunday and she is the one who lives with us. Alesia is our son's daughter from his first marriage and when he divorced Alesia's mom and married wife #2, things turned sour for our grand daughter. Her step-mother became abusive, doing some of the most horrible things including, breaking items that were important to our grand daughter that we had given to her, to cutting up clothing that she knew were favorite items, to threatening to kill our grand daughter with a knife one evening as Alesia was cleaning the kitchen after dinner. These are just some of the things we have been told about since she came to live with us. Our son then lived in Cincinnati, OH. we don't know where he lives anymore since he's changed his cell phone number and when we tried to send him an announcement of Alesia's High School graduation last June, it came back to us, undeliverable. Our son never contacts Alesia and she tells people her father is dead. It breaks my heart to hear her say such things but she's suffered more emotional abuse then I could ever have imagined. Her life was a nightmare and soon she became depressed and was put on different anti-depressants. Finally, with no one giving her any love or support, she became desparate and overdosed on her anti-depressant and spent six months in the Cincinnati Children's Hospital. It was then that we found out and we tried contacting her there but told we were not on the special list of people who could talk to her. I then asked if I could write to her and was given the ok to do that. I began writing to her every week and it wasn't until she arrived here in Utah after we got custody of her that I was told that all my letters were opened and read by someone there at the hospital. In one of my letters I mentioned how sorry I was that her step-mother had treated her so badly and with that, my letters were witheld from her for about 6 weeks. I received a message from someone at the hospital that told me and I was beside myself, for in all my letters I told Alesia that I would never forget her and would be here for her and now my letters would stop getting to her and she would think I too had abandoned her. Oh, its no wonder that I have anxiety issues for I've been under so much stress and feeling so alone for far to long.
My daughter's oldest turned 14 last December 8th. My husband, Jim called to see if he couldn't talk to our grandson and wish him a happy birthday. It surprised him when our daughter answered the phone for when we have tried to call in the past, she never answers and we can only leave a message. Our daughter only handed the phone to our grandson and James was able to talk to him for about 10 minutes and then I asked if I could talk to him. I was able to as well and it was the best gift I could have been given. We talked for 20 minutes and I mainly asked how he was and how was school. I never mentioned his mom and what we're dealing with. When I asked if they were coming down for Christmas, he got quiet so I wondered if my daughter wasn't listening in. Before I ended our talk, I let my grandson know how much we love him and miss him and how he will always be special to us.I have always called him, "Grandma's Best Boy." I asked him if he got onto the internet and if he had an email address. He said he did but he didn't give it to me. I told him what his grandpa's address was and mine as well and told him if ever he needed to talk, he could always contact us that way. He's never done it and I am sure our daughter has told him he's not allowed. Now, my grandson is a smart kid but he's always been a good boy so I am sure he's doing what he's being told. My two oldest grandsons I pray will never forget us but the others are to young so soon they won't even remember what we look like and that makes me want to cry. Our grandkids are not being taught about the Lord and are influenced by their other grandparents who are Mormons. It kills me to think that every time they see their other grandparents, which is several times a year, that they are being indoctrinated by them. I know for a fact that their other grandparents would give anything to get those precious children baptized and made Mormons, especially since they are the only boys to carry on their other grandparents last name. Oh, Lord, please protect my grandchildren from the false claims being told to them. It's hard enough not to have a relationship with those children but if I were to find out they became Mormons, I don't think I could handle it.
Please Lord, give me the strength to face whatever lies ahead. I feel so alone and feel that my family has died. Everyday is a struggle and I am weary of the battle. Thank you for your son and his sacrifice for me. Let me look to you for help in this situation and I ask for your peace. I thank you for the love that Deb and Lilac have shown to me and Pastor Terry. Bless them Father with those things you know they are in need of most. Let us all remember to live as you would want us to, so that we can be a light in the darkness. Amen.

Edited by Neverending, 03 February 2010 - 06:52 PM.

  • 0

#10 Debp

Debp

    Furry & Feathered Friend Lover

  • Moderators
  • 16,483 posts
  • Location:California
  • Interests:Nature, animals (have 2 cats), gardens, walking, sightseeing, architecture.
  • Gender:Female

Posted 09 February 2010 - 06:58 PM

Neverending, I don't know how I missed your last post....sorry!

I'm sorry your granddaughter was so abused by her stepmother. Well, now she has you...bless you for understanding the horrible things she went through. With your patience and love, I pray she will be healed more and more. It would be wonderful if she could find a loving, supportive church where she could be around some loving Christians. So hard being a young person these years with so much immorality and such....

How great you got to talk to your grandson!! I'm sure he will always remember your lovingkindness to him, hopefully this will help him to come to know Jesus. I agree with you in prayer for all of your grandchildren to come to know the Lord, Valerie. Remember the Lord is able to reach people's hearts, even if they happen to get entrenched in some cult.

Thanks for your prayer for us here, too. God bless you.
  • 0

#11 canuck

canuck

    Silver Member

  • Members
  • 222 posts
  • Location:Canada
  • Interests:Helping others come to Christ or grow in Christ,sci-fi,cooking,poetry,gardening,genealogy,nutrition.surfing the web
  • Gender:Male

Posted 09 February 2010 - 10:36 PM

In reading your story of the battle you face, I thought of the battle King Jehoshaphat faced in 2nd Chron 20 :20-23 ,a battle won through praise---Give thanks to the Lord for his love endures forever--Pastor Terry
  • 0

#12 Neverending

Neverending

    Full Newbie

  • Members
  • 41 posts
  • Location:Sandy,UT
  • Interests:Reading, music, gardening, taking care of my dog Freckles and feeding my blue jays.
  • Gender:Female

Posted 22 February 2010 - 04:29 PM

Neverending, I don't know how I missed your last post....sorry!

I'm sorry your granddaughter was so abused by her stepmother. Well, now she has you...bless you for understanding the horrible things she went through. With your patience and love, I pray she will be healed more and more. It would be wonderful if she could find a loving, supportive church where she could be around some loving Christians. So hard being a young person these years with so much immorality and such....

How great you got to talk to your grandson!! I'm sure he will always remember your lovingkindness to him, hopefully this will help him to come to know Jesus. I agree with you in prayer for all of your grandchildren to come to know the Lord, Valerie. Remember the Lord is able to reach people's hearts, even if they happen to get entrenched in some cult.

Thanks for your prayer for us here, too. God bless you.


Hi Deb:
Sorry its been several weeks since I was last here. I've been dealing with so many struggles with my health and having palpitations daily. It gets to the point that I am afraid to wake up and face another day. I constantly worry about Jim and his heart condition even though I know it is a sin and I need to rely more on God. My grand daughter has been causing problems and I had to go to the Emergency Room two weeks ago. My blood pressure was 237/119. No matter what I did, for I had taken all my prescribed medications plus taking some supplements, and my anxiety medication, nothing helped. With worrying about ending up like my brother and possibly having a stroke, I had Jim take me to the hospital. Oh, they did the usual, an EKG, blood work and putting me on a monitor. I had an IV started by a young man who took 15 minutes trying to find a vein. It was nerve racking. Finally a doctor came in and asked me questions about my medications and then asked if I felt tense. DUH....I am always feeling tense. He ordered some Ativan and I was given some through the IV. Within a few minutes I was feeling so much better and relaxing when our grand daughter showed up. Now before she came, my blood pressure was taken and it was 154/84. I was thrilled. After my grand daughter came and was complaining about her cell phone and how she needed an adapter for it; and this makes the third one she's had to have, my pressure was back up to 210/98. I was discharged and told to call my regular doctor in the morning which I did but he certainly wasn't helpful. I told him that the Klonopin I've been taking for the last 2 or so years didn't seem to be helping he then prescribed some Ativan 1 mg. It's not helping either BTW. He then saw from being able to connect to the hospital's records that I was doing good until my grand daughter showed up. I've been trying to tell doctors for 10 years that my blood pressure is effected by my anxiety but no one has believed me, til now. My doctor seemed frustrated and then asked the most ridiculous question. Is there somewhere else your grand daughter could live? Where's her mother? So, we have to explain that she hasn't anywhere else to live for her mom lives with her mom in a tiny, two bedroom house and our grand daughter's mom is a recovering Meth addict and has a live in boyfriend besides. All three of them smoke too which is not something I want my grand daughter to be exposed to. Now I get told that whenever my grand daughter is around, I should go to my room or go for a walk and stay away. How em I supposed to stay away when she lives here? Here's a man who's been to medical school, supposed to be smart and then tells me that I need to spend all my time in my room when my grand daughter is around, wouldn't she then feel bad and feel even more rejection?
What is awful is, last week after she had her counseling session, she came home in the most foul mood. She begins telling us how much she hates living here in Utah and hates that we brought her out here. I was shocked! Both James and I ask her at almost the same instant, where would you be now if we hadn't gone after custody? How would you have graduated from High School? She turned 18 on Feb. 8th and once 18, kids are kicked out of Foster Care. She then goes on to tell us that she could have gone into this Independent Living Program and it was being set up when we won custody and she was forced to come out here. I did all I could not to cry but told her that we stuck our necks out for her and it cost us the relationship with her dad, our son. She doesn't get it and certainly doesn't appreciate anything we've done for her. She's had two cars since last May. The first one she totalled in an accident, which was her fault and we had to pay her ticket. Then, like the idiot I am, I bought her another car but warned her that if this one gets wrecked, she'll be walking. I am to old for all this nonsense and it is causing me more health issues and more stress and Jim doesn't need stress with his heart. I can only thank God for each day that I am given with him. His life will be cut short due to his heart and he never has fully recovered from his car accident. The man responsible for his accident, hides behind the insurance company that his company uses. This man is the Vice President for a medical supply company, Cardinal Health. They are one huge company, headquartered in Dublin, OH. All we've received from them is the cost of our totalled car. Jim needed more PT but our insurance only pays for 20 visits a year and Jim needed far more then that. I blame his lack of recovery to not getting the treatments he needed. So far, our lawsuit hasn't done a thing and so we will be going to court sometime this summer. Jim also will at some point need a total hip replacement so we've included that in the lawsuit. And since Jim lost his job and we know it's because it took him 4 months to recover to the point where he felt he could go back to work part-time, we can't afford for Jim to go to PT. Ok, I think that's far enough for one day.
Thanks Deb. Hope all is well with you and your mom. I am looking forward to spring. We've not had a lot of snow this winter, but a lot of cold temps. It is sunny today but the wind is biting. Once spring gets here, it sure will help me to be able to get outside. Take care now and God bless.
  • 0

#13 Debp

Debp

    Furry & Feathered Friend Lover

  • Moderators
  • 16,483 posts
  • Location:California
  • Interests:Nature, animals (have 2 cats), gardens, walking, sightseeing, architecture.
  • Gender:Female

Posted 22 February 2010 - 05:33 PM

Hi Neverending. Glad to "see" you here but so sorry things are not any better.

If I were you I would just tell your granddaughter that you need some quiet and relaxation because your blood pressure has been extremely high and you do not want to have a stroke. You do not need to accuse her....just state the facts and retire for some quiet where ever you feel like going....whether it's to your room, out for a walk or to the mall, etc.
  • 0

#14 Jennifleur

Jennifleur
  • Members
  • 14 posts
  • Location:Florida, USA
  • Interests:Reading, Video Games (yes, I play!), Serving at church, Spending time with friends and family, Keeping up with news - especially as it relates to Bible prophecy, etc.
  • Gender:Female

Posted 22 February 2010 - 11:22 PM

Neverending, I'm so sorry to hear that things are going so rough for you right now. I'm not sure what words I can offer that will help, as I am young and I do not have a family of my own as of yet.

Now, I can't even begin to understand what you are going through. But, I wanted to remind you that there is One who does understand. Being rejected by your children? Yep, God understands (hey, haven't we all rejected Him at some point?). Ungrateful children who don't appreciate or even comprehend the lengths you've gone through to take care of them and give them not only what they need just to survive, but also things to make life more convenient and even enjoyable? Yep, God understands that, too. That is one major point to keep in mind. And Jesus experienced the ultimate rejection, not only in the crowds who rejected His teaching and the people who reject Him every day, but God Himself turned His face away as Christ bore our sins on the cross. Thank you, Jesus, that You took our punishment so that we don't have to experience the same agony of separation from God!

As for your granddaughter, I may sound harsh here, but it seems to me like it is time for tough love. I know that you meant well in getting her not one, but two cars. However, it has been my experience that giving things to people (especially teenagers) without them earning it, does little for them. Please, teens who are reading this, do not take this the wrong way. I know that not every teenager is like this (I was not like this). But many teens take things for granted. They have a terrible sense of entitlement, and it only grows worse as the world spirals out of control into sin and away from God (many adults have a sense of entitlement as well). When you don't have to earn things, and they are handed to you, you take them for granted and you begin to expect them. There is no attitude of gratitude, if you will. I would stop doing anything for her except providing the basics. Food, clothing, and shelter are all that are required from you. She needs gas for her car? Well, she's old enough to work. She wants to go to the movies? Let her figure it out. If she can't appreciate what she already has, and see that she has a good thing, then there's no reason to continue feeding her selfishness. If she thinks she's a responsible, mature adult at her age, then begin treating her like it. Responsible, mature adults face a lot of challenges and responsibility that she hasn't had to face. It seems like teenagers have a warped sense of reality, and don't understand just how hard it is to make it in this world. It sounds to me like she's ready to have a taste of that. Will she get angry, and maybe even tell you that she hates you? Probably. Kids do not like it when you set boundaries, even though it's just what they need. But it will be the absolute best thing for her. She'll either stay and get used to having those boundaries, or she'll leave and see just how hard it is after all. Like I said, though, these are just my opinions, and I've never been a parent, so my words might not be worth much here.

As for the worry, yes it's a sin. And, it's a sin we're all guilty of. Jesus, when speaking about worry in Matthew 6, asked the question "Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?" You've mentioned that you're experiencing adverse health issues as a result of all of this. I believe that is exactly what Jesus was talking about! You've got yourself so stressed, that if you don't learn to let go of that worry it will literally rob you of some of the time you have left to live. Everything we are commanded to do (or not to do) is really for our own good, and is God's way of protecting us and keeping us healthy. When you're used to worrying, it is a hard habit to break. But with God's help, you can do it. It's a bad cycle to get into. We begin by having one negative thought, and that breeds more and more negative thoughts, until all we can think about is how things are going wrong, how we're failures, etc. To overcome it, we need to begin replacing those negative thoughts with positive ones. But, instead of just making up our own, I believe it is much more beneficial and powerful to form a new mindset with the Word of God. Begin looking up Scriptures that will relate to your situation. Print them out, write them on index cards, whatever works best for you. Keep them with you, and every time you catch yourself thinking negatively, pull out those Scriptures and begin to meditate on them.

"But blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD,
whose confidence is in him.

He will be like a tree planted by the water
that sends out its roots by the stream.
It does not fear when heat comes;
its leaves are always green.
It has no worries in a year of drought
and never fails to bear fruit." ~ Jeremiah 17:7-8


"The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged." ~ Deuteronomy 31:8


"So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Matthew 6:31-34


These are just a few examples to get you started. That last Scripture makes an important point. Seek first the Kingdom, seek God's face, and then He will take care of the rest. You can't do it all on your own. It's impossible. There is little that you can do in your own ability. So stop trying. You can pray, and by doing so leave your situations in God's hands. And as anyone who has experienced anything similar will tell you, that is the BEST place to leave your difficult situations.

As for your wayward children, I know that it breaks your heart. I've seen my parents' hearts broken over the same situation (my older brother is not walking with the Lord, and while my younger brother has said that he has accepted Christ, he has yet to show the fruit and even seems antagonistic toward hearing about it). But, if you think that your heart is broken over it, imagine God's heart. God loves your children even more than you do. And He wants them to come back to Him even more than you do. The important thing is to keep praying for them. It might take years, but with God all things are possible. My uncle, whom I still hardly know, lived a homosexual lifestyle for over 30 years. He had no interest in Christ, and he and my dad and their other siblings grew up in a family that didn't go to church or talk about Jesus much. But, a couple of years ago, he walked away from his gay lifestyle, and not long after that accepted Christ and began going to church (he's in his 50's). As far as I know, it's just he and my dad whom have accepted Christ out of their entire family (I could be wrong, as I do not know my dad's side of the family well). Look how long it took him to come back to God. But, the important thing to remember, is that he DID come back. Prayer works. Remember the prodigal son. It may take your children reaching their lowest points, but don't stop praying for them! Another example of prayer being answered after a long time: my mom and her sister had had a fight when I was much younger, when I was about eight or nine years old. It was bad enough that my aunt did not speak to my mother for 14 years (my aunt was in the wrong, and has a hard time admitting when she is). My mother tried several times to reach out to her, and she just wasn't interested. But, a couple of years ago, we traveled to my grandparents' house to spend Christmas with them, which we hadn't done since I was 4 years old. My aunt always spends Christmas there, and when she heard we were coming, she had said she wasn't going to come. But, my mother continued to pray about it, and my aunt decided that she would come and be civil, but just try to steer clear of my mother. Well, that day came, and my mother was nervous about how it would go. My aunt walked through the door, said hello, and then hugged my mother. The last 14 years were forgotten, forgiven, done away with. They talk to each other all the time now, and my aunt is always sending my mother gifts. It took 14 years for that prayer to be answered, but it was answered. God's timing is perfect. Keep praying for them, and have faith and trust God with them!

One more thing, my favorite passage of Scripture, which I believe is very relevant here, is Philippians 4, the entire chapter. I think it is the perfect passage of Scripture to meditate on, when you begin to feel discouraged:

"Therefore, my brothers, you whom I love and long for, my joy and crown, that is how you should stand firm in the Lord, dear friends!

I plead with Euodia and I plead with Syntyche to agree with each other in the Lord. Yes, and I ask you, loyal yokefellow,help these women who have contended at my side in the cause of the gospel, along with Clement and the rest of my fellow workers, whose names are in the book of life.

Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.

I rejoice greatly in the Lord that at last you have renewed your concern for me. Indeed, you have been concerned, but you had no opportunity to show it. I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength.

Yet it was good of you to share in my troubles. Moreover, as you Philippians know, in the early days of your acquaintance with the gospel, when I set out from Macedonia, not one church shared with me in the matter of giving and receiving, except you only; for even when I was in Thessalonica, you sent me aid again and again when I was in need. Not that I am looking for a gift, but I am looking for what may be credited to your account. I have received full payment and even more; I am amply supplied, now that I have received from Epaphroditus the gifts you sent. They are a fragrant offering, an acceptable sacrifice, pleasing to God. And my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus.

To our God and Father be glory for ever and ever. Amen.


I will be praying for you, dear sister.
  • 0

#15 lilacday

lilacday

    Umm....

  • Moderators
  • 2,150 posts
  • Location:UK
  • Gender:Female

Posted 23 February 2010 - 08:01 AM

Wonderful encouraging testimonies, thanks Jennifleur (pretty name!)

and Hi Neverending, missed you and good to hear from you again although sorry you are having a rough time. I happen to agree with Jenni about possibly now allowing your granddaughter to start making her own choices, either living with you and contributing in a positive way or if she doesnt want to do that, to make her choice about where she is going, for better or worse. (from what i have learned from teens is that they do not always know what they want, you never know what they are going to come up with next (and these are supposedly ones that have had a 'stable' upbringing)......so letting go and letting God take that burden may be an option (but only when you know its time)

All my love and prayers, Lilac x
  • 0

#16 Neverending

Neverending

    Full Newbie

  • Members
  • 41 posts
  • Location:Sandy,UT
  • Interests:Reading, music, gardening, taking care of my dog Freckles and feeding my blue jays.
  • Gender:Female

Posted 23 February 2010 - 05:35 PM

Neverending, I'm so sorry to hear that things are going so rough for you right now. I'm not sure what words I can offer that will help, as I am young and I do not have a family of my own as of yet.

Now, I can't even begin to understand what you are going through. But, I wanted to remind you that there is One who does understand. Being rejected by your children? Yep, God understands (hey, haven't we all rejected Him at some point?). Ungrateful children who don't appreciate or even comprehend the lengths you've gone through to take care of them and give them not only what they need just to survive, but also things to make life more convenient and even enjoyable? Yep, God understands that, too. That is one major point to keep in mind. And Jesus experienced the ultimate rejection, not only in the crowds who rejected His teaching and the people who reject Him every day, but God Himself turned His face away as Christ bore our sins on the cross. Thank you, Jesus, that You took our punishment so that we don't have to experience the same agony of separation from God!

As for your granddaughter, I may sound harsh here, but it seems to me like it is time for tough love. I know that you meant well in getting her not one, but two cars. However, it has been my experience that giving things to people (especially teenagers) without them earning it, does little for them. Please, teens who are reading this, do not take this the wrong way. I know that not every teenager is like this (I was not like this). But many teens take things for granted. They have a terrible sense of entitlement, and it only grows worse as the world spirals out of control into sin and away from God (many adults have a sense of entitlement as well). When you don't have to earn things, and they are handed to you, you take them for granted and you begin to expect them. There is no attitude of gratitude, if you will. I would stop doing anything for her except providing the basics. Food, clothing, and shelter are all that are required from you. She needs gas for her car? Well, she's old enough to work. She wants to go to the movies? Let her figure it out. If she can't appreciate what she already has, and see that she has a good thing, then there's no reason to continue feeding her selfishness. If she thinks she's a responsible, mature adult at her age, then begin treating her like it. Responsible, mature adults face a lot of challenges and responsibility that she hasn't had to face. It seems like teenagers have a warped sense of reality, and don't understand just how hard it is to make it in this world. It sounds to me like she's ready to have a taste of that. Will she get angry, and maybe even tell you that she hates you? Probably. Kids do not like it when you set boundaries, even though it's just what they need. But it will be the absolute best thing for her. She'll either stay and get used to having those boundaries, or she'll leave and see just how hard it is after all. Like I said, though, these are just my opinions, and I've never been a parent, so my words might not be worth much here.

As for the worry, yes it's a sin. And, it's a sin we're all guilty of. Jesus, when speaking about worry in Matthew 6, asked the question "Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?" You've mentioned that you're experiencing adverse health issues as a result of all of this. I believe that is exactly what Jesus was talking about! You've got yourself so stressed, that if you don't learn to let go of that worry it will literally rob you of some of the time you have left to live. Everything we are commanded to do (or not to do) is really for our own good, and is God's way of protecting us and keeping us healthy. When you're used to worrying, it is a hard habit to break. But with God's help, you can do it. It's a bad cycle to get into. We begin by having one negative thought, and that breeds more and more negative thoughts, until all we can think about is how things are going wrong, how we're failures, etc. To overcome it, we need to begin replacing those negative thoughts with positive ones. But, instead of just making up our own, I believe it is much more beneficial and powerful to form a new mindset with the Word of God. Begin looking up Scriptures that will relate to your situation. Print them out, write them on index cards, whatever works best for you. Keep them with you, and every time you catch yourself thinking negatively, pull out those Scriptures and begin to meditate on them.







These are just a few examples to get you started. That last Scripture makes an important point. Seek first the Kingdom, seek God's face, and then He will take care of the rest. You can't do it all on your own. It's impossible. There is little that you can do in your own ability. So stop trying. You can pray, and by doing so leave your situations in God's hands. And as anyone who has experienced anything similar will tell you, that is the BEST place to leave your difficult situations.

As for your wayward children, I know that it breaks your heart. I've seen my parents' hearts broken over the same situation (my older brother is not walking with the Lord, and while my younger brother has said that he has accepted Christ, he has yet to show the fruit and even seems antagonistic toward hearing about it). But, if you think that your heart is broken over it, imagine God's heart. God loves your children even more than you do. And He wants them to come back to Him even more than you do. The important thing is to keep praying for them. It might take years, but with God all things are possible. My uncle, whom I still hardly know, lived a homosexual lifestyle for over 30 years. He had no interest in Christ, and he and my dad and their other siblings grew up in a family that didn't go to church or talk about Jesus much. But, a couple of years ago, he walked away from his gay lifestyle, and not long after that accepted Christ and began going to church (he's in his 50's). As far as I know, it's just he and my dad whom have accepted Christ out of their entire family (I could be wrong, as I do not know my dad's side of the family well). Look how long it took him to come back to God. But, the important thing to remember, is that he DID come back. Prayer works. Remember the prodigal son. It may take your children reaching their lowest points, but don't stop praying for them! Another example of prayer being answered after a long time: my mom and her sister had had a fight when I was much younger, when I was about eight or nine years old. It was bad enough that my aunt did not speak to my mother for 14 years (my aunt was in the wrong, and has a hard time admitting when she is). My mother tried several times to reach out to her, and she just wasn't interested. But, a couple of years ago, we traveled to my grandparents' house to spend Christmas with them, which we hadn't done since I was 4 years old. My aunt always spends Christmas there, and when she heard we were coming, she had said she wasn't going to come. But, my mother continued to pray about it, and my aunt decided that she would come and be civil, but just try to steer clear of my mother. Well, that day came, and my mother was nervous about how it would go. My aunt walked through the door, said hello, and then hugged my mother. The last 14 years were forgotten, forgiven, done away with. They talk to each other all the time now, and my aunt is always sending my mother gifts. It took 14 years for that prayer to be answered, but it was answered. God's timing is perfect. Keep praying for them, and have faith and trust God with them!

One more thing, my favorite passage of Scripture, which I believe is very relevant here, is Philippians 4, the entire chapter. I think it is the perfect passage of Scripture to meditate on, when you begin to feel discouraged:



I will be praying for you, dear sister. (end quote)


Jenn:
Where do I begin? As I read your lovely message, it brought tears to my eyes and I humbly thank you for sharing so much with me. Every word you wrote was so true. Living with anxiety, worrying everyday about everything isn't good, I know that. Yes, it is a horrible habit or I do believe something born in me. I also lived with a mother who was neurotic and was a horrible worrier too so I saw how she was all my life. I was born 3 weeks early and was sick, vomiting with every feeding. I was left at the hospital for 3 weeks and I wasn't able to bond with my mom and also was told by her that I was a mistake. I began sucking my thumb when just a couple of days old and continued that habit til I was seven and then started biting my nails. I still bite my nails and I am 57.
Yes, having my grand daughter living with me and my husband has been very stressful. We had such high hopes that getting her away from her abusive step-mother and even our son would make such a difference for she would be with her grandparents who loved her and had always been there for her. It was a pipe dream.
I thank you for sharing the scriptures with me for I too love the book of Phillipians for it is uplifting. So often I find myself on my knees crying to our Lord. There are times when I don't even know what to say but the Lord knows as does the Holy Spirit what is on my heart. My prayers are always for my children and grandchildren, especially the grandchildren for they know nothing about our Lord. Now our grand daughter living with us says she knows the Lord but she doesn't live a life that would show anyone that she does. She thinks it is ok to sleep with boys and I know she does this because she is looking for love. Reminds me of a song from many years ago with lyrics that said, "looking for love in all the wrong places." We've talked to her about this and how we don't approve and what would happen if she were to get pregnant? We're to old to have her and a baby living with us. We rely on the Lord to watch over her daily and help her make the right choices.
Thank you Jenn for all the wisdom you've shown me, someday you will make a wonderful mother with what I am seeing here. God bless you for I can see how much you love the Lord. I will remember what you told me and even though I am probably old enough to be your mother, I'm not to old to learn. The Lord has a plan for each one of us, I am still trying to understand why so many bad things have happened to my husband and our family. I know there is a lesson in all of these things. God bless you for taking time to share with me.
In His Love,
Valerie


  • 0

#17 Neverending

Neverending

    Full Newbie

  • Members
  • 41 posts
  • Location:Sandy,UT
  • Interests:Reading, music, gardening, taking care of my dog Freckles and feeding my blue jays.
  • Gender:Female

Posted 23 February 2010 - 06:11 PM

Wonderful encouraging testimonies, thanks Jennifleur (pretty name!)

and Hi Neverending, missed you and good to hear from you again although sorry you are having a rough time. I happen to agree with Jenni about possibly now allowing your granddaughter to start making her own choices, either living with you and contributing in a positive way or if she doesnt want to do that, to make her choice about where she is going, for better or worse. (from what i have learned from teens is that they do not always know what they want, you never know what they are going to come up with next (and these are supposedly ones that have had a 'stable' upbringing)......so letting go and letting God take that burden may be an option (but only when you know its time)

All my love and prayers, Lilac x


Hi Lilac!
Can't thank you and Jenn and Deb for some great ideas for they are all very sound ones. You're so right about my grand daughter for she doesn't have a clue as to what she wants. She's going to Cosmetology School right now, it was her idea and all we hear everyday is how much she hates it and says it's our fault for making her go there. That's when I get angry & tell her she's the one who went to this school and talked to them about it and signed up to go. If she had a better attitude I could deal with her but she has this huge chip on her shoulder and then wonders why she doesn't have any friends. If she goes out, it is always with some boy and we fight about what time she has to be home. She seems to think she can go out and not get home til 3 am. We've told her, that's unexceptable for only bad people are out that time of night. It's really to bad that she can't see that we care and only want what is best for her. Someday I pray she will but I think we'll be dead and gone. Sometimes I get upset with her mom too, for she doesn't have to take responsibility for her own child, which I think she should be doing. We get all the fun stuff, NOT! and her mom gets to go shopping, out to lunches or dinners and on Feb. 8th when it was our grand daughter's birthday, she spent the night at a hotel with her mom. They've done that several times now but I've never been invited. That's ok though.
How are things going with you? I read about the friend that came to visit and gave you a most wonderful surprise. PTL! There are good people in the world. Take care and God bless you and may he continue to provide for you. Love.....Valerie :)
  • 0

#18 Debp

Debp

    Furry & Feathered Friend Lover

  • Moderators
  • 16,483 posts
  • Location:California
  • Interests:Nature, animals (have 2 cats), gardens, walking, sightseeing, architecture.
  • Gender:Female

Posted 23 February 2010 - 06:21 PM

Thanks, Jenn, for the good counsel. Yes, providing the basics but not the perks sounds like a very good idea.

Neverending, besides it being wrong according to God for your granddaughter to sleep with boys....please also warn her about the many STDs going around. I just posted some STD fact lists in The Youth Center and also in Helps for Christian Singles. I think alot of young people these days don't realize what deadly and harmful diseases are out there which are sexually transmitted. The only way to stay safe is to follow the Lord and remain pure until marriage.

Please try to get your granddaughter into a good church where she can meet other Christian youths that believe in walking with the Lord. She might have to visit a few to find one that fits her.
  • 0

#19 Neverending

Neverending

    Full Newbie

  • Members
  • 41 posts
  • Location:Sandy,UT
  • Interests:Reading, music, gardening, taking care of my dog Freckles and feeding my blue jays.
  • Gender:Female

Posted 25 February 2010 - 09:39 PM

Thanks, Jenn, for the good counsel. Yes, providing the basics but not the perks sounds like a very good idea.

Neverending, besides it being wrong according to God for your granddaughter to sleep with boys....please also warn her about the many STDs going around. I just posted some STD fact lists in The Youth Center and also in Helps for Christian Singles. I think alot of young people these days don't realize what deadly and harmful diseases are out there which are sexually transmitted. The only way to stay safe is to follow the Lord and remain pure until marriage.

Please try to get your granddaughter into a good church where she can meet other Christian youths that believe in walking with the Lord. She might have to visit a few to find one that fits her.


Hi Deb: Some great information. Jim and I have talked to our grand daughter about the dangers of sleeping around. Not only the chance for an unwanted pregnancy but the STD's that she could contract as well. She is like so many teens who think, "oh, it would never happen to me." Kids?? As I think back to my teen years, I was not like that but I think it was due to the fact that my mom was in poor health and I was the only girl. I had a lot of responsibilities and mature beyond my years.
How we wish our grand daughter would go to church but she refuses and with Jim's health, we don't get out either. Jim and I on sundays have our own special time where we pray, read scriptures together and listen to Christian music. We've asked our grand daughter to join us on sundays but again, she's not interested. We pray for her as we do for our kids that the Holy Spirit will begin to work in her/their lives and cause her/them to have a desire to learn more about our Lord. That's all we can do. Thanks so much for your prayers for us. Would you keep Jim especially in your prayers for he sees a new cardiologist on monday. Oh, how we need a kind and understanding doctor. BTW, did you get feeling better?
Valerie
  • 0

#20 Debp

Debp

    Furry & Feathered Friend Lover

  • Moderators
  • 16,483 posts
  • Location:California
  • Interests:Nature, animals (have 2 cats), gardens, walking, sightseeing, architecture.
  • Gender:Female

Posted 26 February 2010 - 06:22 PM

Hi Deb: Some great information. Jim and I have talked to our grand daughter about the dangers of sleeping around. Not only the chance for an unwanted pregnancy but the STD's that she could contract as well. She is like so many teens who think, "oh, it would never happen to me." Kids?? As I think back to my teen years, I was not like that but I think it was due to the fact that my mom was in poor health and I was the only girl. I had a lot of responsibilities and mature beyond my years.
How we wish our grand daughter would go to church but she refuses and with Jim's health, we don't get out either. Jim and I on sundays have our own special time where we pray, read scriptures together and listen to Christian music. We've asked our grand daughter to join us on sundays but again, she's not interested. We pray for her as we do for our kids that the Holy Spirit will begin to work in her/their lives and cause her/them to have a desire to learn more about our Lord. That's all we can do. Thanks so much for your prayers for us. Would you keep Jim especially in your prayers for he sees a new cardiologist on monday. Oh, how we need a kind and understanding doctor. BTW, did you get feeling better?
Valerie


Hi Valerie, yes, I can see where you just need to prayer for your granddaughter. Sorry to say, but sometimes some people only "wake up" when they get sick or something serious like that. Then they do call on the Lord to help them.

One of my 2nd cousins (teen) had been getting into alot of trouble, bad company and the like (she lives out of state)....I just hear from her mother about it. Well, anyhow, recently her mother said the daughter might have a very serious illness. Then I heard from some other family member that the teen had started to go to church....maybe due to getting the scare about her health? I have to ask her mom what the second opinion doctor said about the teen's health.

Yes, I understand with Jim so ill that you have your own worship service. Would be great for granddaughter to join in one day....just keep living your life in the Lord before her. Sometimes words are not necessary....use your judgement when to speak and when to keep silent.

Thanks for asking about my health. Yes, I did feel better the day after my prayer request here. Lilacday answered me....I was grateful to her. And I see you read it, too. God bless you.
  • 0




0 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 0 guests, 0 anonymous users

Copyright © 2014 Your Company Name