[Debp]

Written by Dr. Henry Cloud
This article is courtesy of Christian Single.


Question: I have recently gone on a few dates with a guy I met through mutual friends. He seems to be great and we have a lot in common, except that he’s black and I’m white. It’s not a problem for us, but I’m afraid to tell my parents, who definitely have opinions about interracial dating. How can I approach them, and what do I do if they freak out?

Answer: There are several things you should consider. If your parents have strong feelings about interracial dating, things will go differently depending on the roots of their feelings. Are they based on prejudice and racism, or do they come from concerns about difficulties that interracial couples sometimes have to face? Racism is wrong and is certainly not a good reason to avoid dating anyone. But if your parents are concerned about obstacles that you might face if you end up marrying, then you should be able to reasonably talk through those things.

Approach your parents in a way that is open. Tell them what you like about this guy and why you’re dating him. Explain that you want them to meet him, but you wanted them to know ahead of time that he is African American. If they express any feelings about it, encourage them to talk about it now. Then hear their feelings, even if you disagree.

If they have a problem with the relationship, then be aware that the situation has the potential to regress into old issues of parent-child control. Issues like this tend to pull families into old battles, and your job as a Christian adult is not to let that happen. You are no longer under your parents’ control, but you should respect them and act like an adult. That means you stay separate from the conflict, listen, understand their feelings, and then disagree as reasonable adults.

Tell your parents that you respect their right to their opinions and understand their concern for you, but that you hope they can respect yours as well so that this does not turn into a barrier between you. In short, love them and respect them; do not react to them.

As far as your dating relationship goes, the most important thing about dating anyone is his or her character. That is ultimately what you end up having a relationship with, not just the things you may be attracted to in the beginning.

If the relationship gets serious enough to become exclusive, then you really need to talk about the issues involved in interracial coupling, just as any couple needs to discuss issues before taking more serious steps. In some areas of the country and some subcultures, there is hardly an issue at all; but in others, there are problems.

Where will you live? Where will you worship? Who will your friends and community be? You need to discuss all of this and get on the same page. If sacrifices need to be made, you should both be giving up things for the sake of your relationship.


Dr. Henry Cloud is a clinical psychologist and the co-founder of Cloud-Townsend Communications in Southern California.