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When You Don’t Fit in With Your Singles Group


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#1 Debp

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Posted 03 October 2007 - 01:58 AM

Written by Dr. Henry Cloud
This article is courtesy of Christian Single magazine.


Question: I recently moved to a new city and got involved in a church there. I love the church and their focus on serving the community, but I’m weary of the singles group. So many of the conversations are about who’s dating who and whining about not dating or humor that hasn’t been funny since college. I want to be involved in a Bible study, but I find myself skipping the Sunday night gathering because I’m drained when I leave. Does that mean I just need to find a new church?


Answer: When you find yourself not fitting into your singles group, it is important to think through the reasons you don’t seem to connect with this group. Have you somehow unplugged yourself from the kinds of things others in your stage of life are interested in? Or have you had life experiences that have led you to a “been there, done that” kind of outlook?

Like most situations in life, it’s a good idea to approach a perception or feeling by first looking at yourself. While you might be exactly right about the purpose or maturity level of this group, I think it would also be wise to ask yourself a few questions to be certain that you’re seeing the group clearly.

When I first read your question, I couldn’t help but wonder if you might have an overly serious approach to life. Certainly, service and Bible study are essential parts to what the spiritual life is all about. So I’m not trying to minimize either; but at the same time, community is necessary, especially with those who are in the same place in life (think both age and life circumstance). So whenever we find ourselves unable to relate to people in the same boat we are, we have to ask ourselves why.

Think through the reasons you don’t seem to connect with this group. Have you somehow unplugged yourself from the kinds of things others in your stage of life are interested in? Or have you had life experiences that have led you to a “been there, done that” kind of outlook?

It could also be that you are in a group with people who simply aren’t in the same phase you’re in. If you’re older than the rest of the group, then you may have different needs at this point in your life. Or since you just moved to a new city, you may be experiencing a bit of culture shock because this group doesn’t interact as you’re used to.

In terms of an answer, I see several options other than changing churches, particularly if you like the church and genuinely feel it’s where you should be. If you determine that the Sunday night gathering isn’t for you, consider starting a new Bible study that meets on another night. Or you could even become involved with another study at your church, perhaps one that is gender-specific. If those options don’t appeal to you or aren’t available, consider finding a singles group outside your church that meets on Sunday night or during the week. Tag along with a friend to his or her group to explore and experience what other groups are like.

I highly recommend, though, that you make every effort to interact with people with similar lifestyles. This is an extremely important part of healthy growth. And, of course, ask God to reveal where He wants you to be and to serve.


Dr. Henry Cloud is a clinical psychologist and the co-founder of Cloud-Townsend Communications in Southern California. His latest book is “How to Get a Date Worth Keeping.”
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#2 Gregory47

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Posted 24 March 2017 - 06:36 PM

That is true. I had to learn that the hard way and now seeking those with similar interests.


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